No, You’ll Respect MY Authority!
by Luna del Cielo
Summary: BTVS/SouthPark x-over: Buffy & Willow head to South Park to find a new slayer; Butters thinks he’s a vamp; Cartman turns into a rat; And “THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!"
1. So I Can Kill Evil Things Now?

**Title: No, You'll Respect *MY* Auth-or-i-ty!**

**Chapter One: ****So I Get to Kill Evil Things Now?"**

**Author Notes:**

This is a silly fun crossover with South Park, based on the South Park Season 12 Episode 12 'The Ungroundable'. Check here for information on that episode:

.org/wiki/The_Ungroundable. If you have not seen it, then it's a spoof on the Twilight rage and Butters joins a group of kids who think they are vampires and after the initiation at Hot Topic Butters believes he is a vampire too.

**Summary**: Buffy & Willow head to South Park to find a new slayer; Butters thinks he's a vamp; Cartman turns into a rat; And "THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!"

**Disclaimer**: Mighty God of Television, Joss Whedon, owns Buffy. Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central own the potty mouth kids from South Park.

**Warning**: Language, same words they use in South Park. I don't approve of (_all of_) them but I do use them to keep in character. Character Death ;)

* * *

Buffy Summers pulled into the parking lot at South Park Elementary and glanced at the witch in the passenger side seat. "You sure we're at the right place?"

Willow pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and nodded. Holding up her map of South Park, Colorado she pointed at the flashing blue mystical light. "Yuppers. My scrying points the school as the spot."

Pursing her lips, Buffy slid up her pair of black sunglasses, and let out a sigh. "An elementary school kid? This sucks."

Shrugging, Willow stepped out of the car and Buffy followed suit. Without another word the two women headed into the school

~*~*~

It didn't take long for the map to lead them to their destination- a 4th grade classroom with the name 'Mr. Garrison' above the door. Since the door was half-closed they could hear the teacher lecturing in an angry tone.

"No, you little pipsqueak! Jesus was *_not_* a vampire!" cried out the teacher, presumably Mr. Garrison.

"Oh yeah, then why did he rise from the dead? And tell everyone to drink his blood?" shouted an aggravated blond-haired boy wearing a dog collar and black clothing.

Buffy and Willow exchanged an amused look. "Jesus?" Buffy asked in a hushed tone.

Willow just shrugged. "Jewish, remember? Not big on the Jesus learning. Although I'm pretty sure he was not a vamp…"

"God dammit Butters! I've had it up to here with all you TwiHards! You, young man, are excused from this class until you learn to stop blasphemizing!"

The teacher waved his arm and the boy stomped sullenly towards the door. The boy, called Butters, saw Willow and Buffy outside and as he stalked past them he hissed angrily.

"Uh, this place is chock full of weirdness," whispered Buffy.

"Maybe it's good we were led to this girl then. Sounds like she'll be needed around here," said Willow with a wry grin. Then she knocked at the door; it had been decided that Willow would take the lead since she could do grown-up talk better then Buffy. Buffy, after all, was not a fan of school authority figures and thought it would be in everyone's best interest to avoid the talk-y thing with them.

"Yes, who are you?" inquired Mr. Garrison with a skeptical eye. South Park didn't get many visitors and when they did strange things happened.

"Good afternoon," Willow began with a serene smile. "My name is Willow Rosenberg and this is my associate Buffy Summers. We're here from the Academy for Gifted Young Women and need to speak to Bebe for a moment."

"Bebe! You heard the lady, get moving!"

A young blond with wide eyes grabbed her books and followed the two women. They found that the Teacher's Lounge was empty and they quickly shut the door and claimed seats around an oval table.

The two friends introduced themselves to Bebe and started the meeting off with the typical pleasantries. Then they got down to business.

"Bebe, have you been noticing anything different about you lately?" began Buffy with a kind expression.

"Uh. No. Um. Maybe," sputtered the sweet-voiced girl.

Laying a hand across hers, Buffy gently squeezed it reassuringly. "Its okay if you're feeling different." Then Buffy went into the whole 'Many girls in each generation, strength to fight the demons, blah, blah, blah speech'. That's how Buffy thought of it, anyways.

Luckily, Bebe seemed to be excited about her new calling and began throwing out dozens of questions, including, "So I get to kill evil things now?"

Buffy grinned. She thought this girl was going to do fine. "Yes, of course. That is your calling."

Bebe squealed. "Finally! I cannot wait to get that jackass Cartman!"

"Bebe! Please watch your mouth!" scolded Willow. Honestly, what fourth grade kid swears?

"Bebe, who is Cartman?" asked a concerned Buffy.

She let out an annoyed sigh. "Only the fattest, meanest, laziest kid in school. He's absolutely awful and I hate him."

Buffy bit her lip. "Ah, actually Bebe, Slayers do not kill human beings."

"But he's evil! I swear he is!"

"Even if he *_was_* evil- and I doubt a kid can be actually evil- you can put humans in jail but no killing. That's bad. Got it?" Buffy clarified in her authoritative Slayer voice.

Bebe scrunched up her face in deep thought. "Fine."

"Good. Now that we've covered the 'No killing people rule', let's move on," redirected Willow.

~*~*~

Butters let out a deep breath after the two women and Bebe left the Teacher's Lounge. After Mr. Garrison had kicked him out he thought he would do what evil vampires do and steal his teacher's pudding from the fridge. When he heard people coming he hid in the utility closet. Never did he expect to hear a conversation like the one he had just heard.

Butters was a wanted man. His days were numbered. He must tell the others that there was a battle-hardened Vampire Slayer in town and that Bebe had joined the ranks.

Gulp.

~*~*~

Butters' new vampire friends hissed at the terrifying tale he had told of the Vampire Slayers.

"Those fools think they can destroy us?" rasped the Head Vampire Mike McCalsky. "They know not what great power we have." He began cackling and soon the others joined in.

Butters fiddled with his hands and his right toe drew a line in the dirt around him. "Yeah, about that. What great powers do we have?" he asked nervously. "Just cause the Buffy lady sounded pretty scary and apparently they are super strong and know how to use weapons and karate."

Mike shook his head disapprovingly. "Butters, are you not a believer?"

"Yes, yes sir," Butters answered. Mike frowned. "I mean, yes sir, I am a believer. Sir."

"Then fear not. Those silly mortals shall not touch us!"

The Vampire Kids let out a resounding cheer

* * *

Reviews are tastier than chocolate- And THAT is saying a LOT ;)


	2. Hiss The Ungroundables Attack!

**Title: No, You'll Respect *MY* Auth-or-i-ty!**

**Chapter Two: The Ungroundables Meet the Vampires**

**Author Notes:**

This is a silly fun crossover with South Park, based on the South Park Season 12 Episode 12 'The Ungroundable'. Check here for information on that episode:

.org/wiki/The_Ungroundable. If you have not seen it, then it's a spoof on the Twilight rage and Butters joins a group of kids who think they are vampires and after the initiation at Hot Topic Butters believes he is a vampire too.

**Summary**: Buffy & Willow head to South Park to find a new slayer; Butters thinks he's a vamp; Cartman turns into a rat; And "YOU BASTARD, YOU KILLED KENNY!"

**Disclaimer**: Mighty God of Television, Joss Whedon, owns Buffy. Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central own the potty mouth kids from South Park.

**Warning**: Language, same words they use in South Park. I don't approve of (_all of_) them but I do use them to keep in character. Character Death ;)

* * *

~*~*~

"So do you think there are actually vampires here?" asked Willow. She, Buffy, and Bebe were patrolling through the moonless night so they could spend more time explaining Bebe's new powers and potentially show her a real vampire fight.

"This town is crawling with the weird, Will. I betcha anything something creepy is a lurkin'."

"At school there are vampires," added Bebe brightly.

"What?" both women said.

"Damn Twilight," muttered Buffy. "Vampires in school- Now they all want to do it. Lemme guess, Bebe- these kids never go outside?"

"Uh, no they do. But they do wear all black and drink this stuff that looks like blood!"

Buffy snorted. "Bebe, those are wannabes. Not the kind of creature you wanna shove a piece of wood into- although it would probably be helpful to smack them upside the head with one."

"Buffy!" reprimanded Willow. "We don't want to give Bebe any ideas about violence towards humans."

The Slayer pursed her lips in annoyance. "Fine," she said with a sigh. "I'm just so annoyed that everyone thinks vampires are all sexy and mysterious."

Willow bit back a laugh, but her eyes shone with amusement. "Oh yes, heaven forbid anyone should think *_that_*." Buffy just glared in response, thanks to the little slayer between them.

"Hey! Bebe! Whatcha doin?" shouted a little boy in a blue and red hat. He and three other boys were standing underneath a fence.

"Hiya Stan! Just out slaying!" shouted Bebe. Buffy glared at her and pinched her arm. "I meant, we're just out paying! Ya know, going shopping."

"Good save," whispered Willow. "Beats Xander's save that one time back in high school," she said to Buffy.

Buffy rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Yes, who can forget Xander loudly asking me in front of people how my *_laying_* went."

"Who are your friends, Bebe? They look way too pretty to be hanging out with you," snorted a round boy in a round coat.

"Shut your fat ass up, Cartman! You're lucky I don't kick your ass?" yelled an irate Bebe as she stormed over there.

"Mmmm mmm mmm mm mmmmm," mumbled a boy in an orange coat.

"Shut your mouth, Kenny! You stupid damn turd face," exclaimed Cartman before he turned back to Bebe.

"Oh yeah? Bitch, please. I'd like to see you try. Everyone knows that girls are weak." Cartman began laughing.

A boy in a green hat jumped in front of Bebe and held her raised fist. "C'mon Bebe. You know it's better to just ignore him. He's a fat sonofabitch- ain't that enough punishment?"

"What? Kyle, please tell me you're kidding?" asked a shocked Bebe.

Kyle started snickering. "Yeah, I am."

Willow and Buffy just stared at each other- clearly uncomfortable with the mouths on these kids.

"Whoa, time out," declared Willow. "Bebe, you should know better than to pick fights."

"Yeah, *_Bebe_*. You should know better than to pick fights," mimicked Cartman in a singsong voice.

Willow glared at him. Okay, kids are kids. Innocent children. It is wrong to dislike a child. But suddenly Willow knew why Bebe had wanted to kill Cartman earlier.

Before anyone else could speak something white and gooey was thrown over the fence in buckets. Buffy felt her adrenaline rush as having a strange substance thrown at her and she tensed her body. A tentative finger ran along her arm and she brought the white substance to her nose.

Her nose crinkled in confusion. "Elmer's Glue?"

The air filled with a buzzing noise and Buffy realized it was hissing. "What the…?"

The same boy they had seen before, Butters, climbed over the fence with a motley crew of kids garbed in black clothing and spikey accessories. "You were a fool to come to our town, Slayer. Hisss. We will not allow you to kill us."

Buffy couldn't help it. It felt like she was in a cartoon. She busted up laughing on the spot and Willow joined her.

"You laugh, but there's more where that came from!" Butters shouted as two Vamp Wannabe Kids dumped a couple more buckets on Buffy, Willow, and Bebe.

"Eww!" screeched Buffy. "I think you ruined my shirt. God! Oh! And my hair! You little brat!"

"Butters, I'm going to kick your fucking ass for ruining my hair, God dammit!" shrieked Bebe.

"Ugh, I think this batch was some hardcore permanent glue," muttered Willow. "Smells bad. And sticky, super sticky."

The Vamp Wannabe Kids hissed in such a way that it sounded like a cheer.

"Oh my God, what a bunch of fags," hooted Cartman. "Who fights with glue? Stupid fucking pussies."

Willow didn't bother to hide her snarl of anger at the pint-sized stupid arrogant prejudiced brat. As soon as they got rid of the glue, she was going to let Bebe kill this fat Cartman kid.

"The Slayer," intoned a deep voice.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you little brats. You got the Slayer." It seemed like everything was sticking together as she tried to, in particular, separate her fingers.

A new chorus of laughter went up.

"Um, Miss Buffy? I know you said that Butters and these kids aren't vampires. But, um, are these people?"

"Huh?" Buffy's head swirled to look behind her. There she saw five hulking brutes with their game face on. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" she grumbled.

"The lady from school swore! Did ya hear that?" Cartman shouted as he pointed at Buffy.

"Shut the fuck up, Cartman!" Bebe cried as she grabbed his pointing index finger and snapped it.

A part of Buffy wanted to smirk at that, while another part wanted to scold the new slayer. But mostly, she wanted to kill some vampires.

She grabbed out her stake and threw one to Bebe. "Come on, chica! Let's go!"

Buffy and Bebe jumped into the mix. Buffy took on three while Bebe took on one. Willow was holding her own but when she saw that Bebe was a second from getting bitten she jumped in there as well.

The South Park guys stared in incredulous silence. They could not believe that Bebe could kick ass so well- she even made the weird looking dude fly back ten feet with just one kick! As for the Vampire Wannabe Kids, they gulped nervously as they realized what *_real_* vampires looked and acted like.

One of the vamps escaped the scuffle, with multiple wounds, and latched onto Kenny's neck. Kenny screamed and the vamp started slurping down.

"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!" shouted Stan.

"You Bastard!" shouted Kyle

Said vamp took Kenny's body and ran off into the night as Buffy, Bebe, and Willow finished up his four friends.

"Well, I think this taught you kids a lesson, huh?" asked Buffy as she looked at Butter and his Vampire friends. "Still think vampires are cool? Or do you now know that they're blood-sucking fiends who would love to feast on your blood and kill you?"

"Um-um-uh, the second one, M'am," stuttered Butters.

"Still think girls are weak, Cartman?" asked Bebe with an arched brow.

"Uh, nope. No ma'am," muttered Cartman.

"I thought so," she said haughtily as she, Buffy, and Willow headed back to the car. They were all in need of a good shower to get rid of the glue and blood.

* * *

Review? Purty Please? :)


	3. Like We’ve Never Heard That Before

**Title: No, You'll Respect *MY* Auth-or-i-ty!**

**Chapter Three: Like We've Never Heard That Before**

**Author Notes:**

This is a silly fun crossover with South Park, based on the South Park Season 12 Episode 12 'The Ungroundable'. Check here for information on that episode:

.org/wiki/The_Ungroundable. If you have not seen it, then it's a spoof on the Twilight rage and Butters joins a group of kids who think they are vampires and after the initiation at Hot Topic Butters believes he is a vampire too.

**Summary**: Buffy & Willow head to South Park to find a new slayer; Butters thinks he's a vamp; Cartman turns into a rat; And "YOU BASTARD, YOU KILLED KENNY!"

**Disclaimer**: Mighty God of Television, Joss Whedon, owns Buffy. Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central own the potty mouth kids from South Park.

**Warning**: Language, same words they use in South Park. I don't approve of (_all of_) them but I do use them to keep in character. Character Death ;)

* * *

**THREE NIGHTS LATER…**

It would be Buffy and Willow's last night in South Park before they returned to the Slayer Academy in England. Since Bebe wouldn't be leaving until she finished the fourth grade- whenever *_that_* would be- they wanted to spend one last night patrolling.

As luck would have it, they ran into Kyle, Stan, and Cartman again.

"Oh great, it's the fucking chicks with dicks again," said Cartman under his breath.

What he did not know was that slayers possessed excellent hearing. "What did you say, Cartman?" asked Bebe with a dark look.

"Nothing, Bebe, nothing. Just making fun of my Jew friend Kyle here," covered Cartman.

Willow began counting to ten in order to curb her anger. Not since Warren had she felt such anger towards one person.

Sadly, she only reached eight.

"What did you say, young man?" she asked in a razor-sharp tone.

"Jeez, what's the matter? Can't anyone hear around here? I said THAT I'M MAKING FUN OF MY JEW-RAT FRIEND KYLE HERE! Jeez. I didn't say anything about you guys."

"Let me get this straight, Cartman." Fire blazed in Willow's eyes and she waved off Buffy's concerned look. "In the two times we've met I've heard you curse like a sailor, mock females, gays, and now Jews. Is this correct?"

Cartman shrugged. "Damn straight. First Amendment, ba-bay. So respect my auth-or-i-ty!"

"No, you'll respect *_my_* auth-or-i-ty! Jew-rat, huh?" Willow muttered. "We'll see how you like being a rat." Then her voice deepened as she pulled in her magic around her.

"Goddess Hecate," she intoned. "Work Thy will. Before me, let the Unclean thing crawl!"

There was a blast of wind and then standing in Cartman's place was a rat.

"No way, dude! You just made him a rat!" shouted Stan.

"No fucking way! This is awesome! I've been waiting for this day!" laughed Kyle.

"Hey, you can turn him into a rat, but I can't kill him?" pouted Bebe.

Buffy gave her a stern look. "Yeah, *_Willow_*"

Willow shrugged sheepishly. "I got caught up in the moment. Here." She summoned a rat cage, complete with a wheel, and put Cartman the Rat inside; who was squealing loudly. "One of you boys want a new pet?"

Kyle and Stan immediately began arguing over who got to take Cartman the Rat home.

"Mmmm mmmm mm mmm mmmm mmmmm," mumbled a voice.

"Kenny!" exclaimed both Kyle and Stan.

His face was mostly hidden by his hood but the parts they could see was all bumpy.

"Kenny?" asked Kyle.

"He's a vampire!" declared Bebe. She looked up eagerly to Buffy with a smile. "Can I stake him?"

"What? No! You cannot!" shouted Stan.

"Go ahead, Bebe," Buffy said with a proud smile. "And boys, if she doesn't then your friend will just drain you dry."

Bebe promptly staked Kenny who went up in a flash of swirling dust.

"Oh my God! She killed Kenny!" shouted Stan.

"You Bastard!" shouted Kyle

Bebe whistled and placed her stake back in her belt.

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered. "Like we've never heard that before."

* * *

A/N:

This was a silly plot bunny that wouldn't stop pestering me tonight so I hurried up and wrote it. Please tell me what you think- If you found it amusing, or a good example of a South Park/Buffy crossover, or interesting, etc. I *love* feedback!

Thanks!


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